The case
We started dating during the summer of 2018. It was a decision that took a lot of time and thought. Should it have? I’m not sure. Did I feel like I owed it to my upbringing? Absolutely. Would I have made the same effort if Mel were a man? Doubtful.
I think I ignored my feelings for Mel for a while. A best friend asked me if anything was going on and I immediately shut it down. There was no way! We’re just best friends! Did I protest too much? Yes. Did anyone buy it? I think I may have been the only one.
Finally, I couldn’t ignore it any longer. Now what? Do I spend time being angry at God for feeling feelings I’m not supposed to act on? That felt like a waste of time. Do I ignore them? I’ve thought myself out of so many things in life, so why not this? Do I take a risk, trust my heart, and see what happens? Following anything other than my brain isn’t a talent of mine.
Obviously, I tried ignoring everything for a while. I could be Mel’s friend. I could do it. I could watch her fall for someone else. Build a life with her. No problem. That wouldn’t be hard at all. Except. Except that from the time we became friends, it felt like I had known her forever. It felt like our souls already knew each other. It felt like a reuniting. A returning, not a meeting. Maybe this couldn’t be ignored. Maybe it shouldn’t. Maybe it deserved to be explored. And maybe I deserved to explore what it all meant.
I was always a rule follower. I liked knowing what was expected and then exceeding those expectations. I was always good at that. Dating Mel would be intentionally breaking a rule. A rule that determined whether or not I could be a fully participating member of my church. Was I ready to risk that? To risk losing the religion of childhood? Of my parents? And so, I asked myself the following questions:
Is ignoring my feelings for Mel something I’ll look back on and regret?
If, at the end of it all, I have to stand before God and defend my life choices, is this a choice I can defend?
Would this be such a difficult decision if it weren’t for my parents?
Without a doubt, I would regret never seeing what life with Mel could be like. She’s my best friend. Isn’t that the dream? To build a life with your best friend? That might not be the dream for everyone. It is for me.
This is a choice I could confidently stand behind. It’s about love. Love is something I can and will always defend. Should it have to be defended? No. Never. But if it ever came to that, I would. Easily.
The actual question my friend asked was “if your parents were dead, would you hesitate?” and my answer was a hard “no.” But, they aren’t dead. If I thought they’d always love, support, and be happy for me, there would be no issue. I would have moved forward with Mel much more confidently. Should that be a determining factor? Definitely not. Is it my job to live my life for my parents’ happiness, or is it my responsibility to follow my own happiness?
With that, I knew. I knew that my happiness was my responsibility and mine alone. No one else was going to sacrifice their happiness for me, including my parents. Why should I do that for them? Why would I live a lonelier, sadder, less authentic life, to protect the happiness of people that should be protecting mine?
So, I told Mel. She said she knew it all along. She never doubted that I liked her. Even when I told her I didn’t. Thank goodness she didn’t believe me, because taking the risk, saying yes to Mel, and choosing myself, have been the best decisions of my life.
