The beginning-ish
I was twenty-eight when Mel and I started dating. Everything was new. Everything felt different. For the first time, everything in my external world felt aligned with my internal world.
It was summertime. We were driving. Well. I was driving. Mel was in the passenger seat. We were probably talking about nothing. Or everything. Maybe she was asking me about church. Or my family. And then, a pause. “I like you,” she said. My response? “Thanks so much. . .I date men.” “That’s okay,” she said, simply. And that was it. We continued driving.
Another day. Another car ride. Again, talking about everything and nothing. Mel told me that she would wait for me, as long as I needed. She said that if twenty years from now I woke up and realized it was her, she’d be there. In one sentence, she gave me exactly the thing I didn’t know I needed. She gave me the gift of time. She let me know that there was no rush to figure anything out. That our friendship was enough and would be enough, unless and until I decided otherwise. If that day ever came. Whether it was in one week or twenty years. It didn’t matter.
Mel and I met three years earlier, when I was twenty-five. She was only ever supposed to be the older sister to the kids I nannied. She was only ever supposed to be my boss’s daughter. Nothing more. For years, our relationship consisted of me, sending her photos of her siblings and her, never responding.
But, maybe that wasn’t even the beginning. Maybe the beginning was when a good friend said she wanted to work with me, and gave my resume to Mel’s dad. Maybe the beginning was when my first friend in LA introduced me to that good friend. Maybe the beginning was when I made the decision to move to LA. So many small, seemingly inconsequential moments that ended up altering the course of my life.
And then, during that summer, I realized that maybe my friendship with Mel wasn’t enough. Maybe I wanted to see what doing life with her looked like. Maybe that epiphany was the beginning. Maybe the real beginning was when I decided that what I wanted was worth risking what I had. Maybe my heart knew me better than my head, and just maybe it was time to finally listen to and trust that part of myself.
