Progress?

Parents are doing the best they can. That’s been my experience. My dad didn’t have the best examples, so he figured out parenting as he went. Does that mean it’s enough? Is that what every parent is doing anyway, regardless of their experience?

In the weeks following my engagement, I had conversations and email exchanges with my dad. Some were good. Most were hurtful. I was fighting for our relationship. He was humoring me until I figured out that any chances of that were over the moment I said “yes” to Mel.

At one point, my dad tried to convince me that, given his upbringing, he’d come a long way and made all the progress anyone should expect of him. His reasoning? He listened to me when I first told him about Mel. That’s all. He let me talk. He told me that he “would rather blow my brains out than ever tell my parents I was gay.” In his mind, the fact that I felt comfortable enough to tell him about Mel meant he was a better parent than his own. It didn’t matter that ultimately, he abandoned me.

Is he right? Is that fair? Or, is it all an excuse to get out of doing the uncomfortable work of reexamining his principles?

My grandparents might not have created the most loving, supportive, and safe environment for my dad. I won’t pretend otherwise. There were many reasons for that. My aunt faced a lot of challenges. Throughout it all, my grandma was there for her. My grandma supported her through rehabs, addictions, mental illnesses, eight marriages, and more. My church-going grandma wouldn’t have chosen any of those things for her daughter. She did choose to be there for her, always. Through the hard times, and the harder times. She showed up. My aunt knew her mom was there for her, no matter the circumstances.

I made one decision that my dad disapproved of, and he walked away. I made one, rational choice to better my life, and he couldn’t cope. My grandma stood by her daughter through countless choices she, likely, disapproved of. Why could she do that for her daughter, but my dad couldn’t do that for me? He seemed to think it was an accomplishment to hear what I had to say.

I think so many kids fear coming out to their parents because of the reaction they might get. No one wants to experience rejection, judgment, or fear when sharing the most vulnerable part of themselves. I would take that adverse reaction every single day if it meant that my dad would show up for me now. If he had been more honest with me from the beginning, would we have ended up in this same place? Would I have let go earlier? Maybe we both would have found peace by now.